i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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