If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I intend to get homeless drunk
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
