Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
