he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Randomize
