i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
She bit a glass in half.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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