If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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