Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
