2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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