Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
