i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
