Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
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