I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
