I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
