Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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