I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
