My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
