when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
