i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
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When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
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My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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