I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
