So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
