I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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