i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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