you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
