I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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