well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize