Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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