Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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