dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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