That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
