I met the friendliest cop last night
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
