I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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