Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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