I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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