a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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