When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Blood and glitter go together right?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
