I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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