I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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