my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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