I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
