Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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