I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I feel great
I just peed on a car
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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