I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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