this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
