Your face is a jimmy john
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
