Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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