So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
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Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
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I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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