I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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