I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
