dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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