I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
