This is not my ceiling
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
