what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
