My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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