Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
