please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
