I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
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my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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