Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
