WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
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