Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
