So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
